getting back

i enjoyed writing, when i was blogging regularly. still do.

it made me happy to record the daily shenanigans and goings-on. it was cathartic to write and rant about things/people that piss me off.

i need that again.  need to get back to it.

my routine is crazy, like that of any parent.

- get up at an insanely early hour
- get ready to go to work, all the while coveting my nice, warm bed from across the room
- say i-love-yous to hubby and kids and wish them a good day (hubby takes the to school/summer camp)
- drive 1 to 1.5 hours to work, sharing the road with various asshats who are texting, eating breakfast or applying make-up (or any combination thereof) while driving
- work for 8-10 hours, dealing with crapload upon crapload of whatever comes down the pipe at me, while trying to remind myself that what I do is important
- get back on the road with the same idiots from my morning drive for an even longer drive home (why is the commute slower on the way home than on the way to work?)
- pick up the tired, hungry, cranky kids and bring them home
- try to ignore the migraine and/or back/neck/shoulder tension that’s been building all day
- empty school bags of the remains of snacks and lunches and look to see what homework there is to do (though the homework part is over for a couple of months)
- figure out dinner (hubby mostly takes care of this part…he’s absolutely amazing!)
- do any homework, fill out any forms for the school/camp
- take 10 minutes to play with the boys
- eat dinner
- clean up after dinner
- get the boys showered
- rush to get the boys to bed, lest they miss out on some of their precious beauty sleep and wake up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning
- put a load of laundry on
- go back to the kitchen, finish any clean-up and run the dishwasher
- put the laundry in the dryer. put a second load in if needed
- sit down for a few minutes before going to bed
- go to bed, thinking and/or worrying about any number of things

then it starts all over again.

it’s hard to find the time to do something for myself. if i have the time, i most likely don’t have the energy.

but i’d like to find the time to blog regularly again. even if it’s just to write down a few random thoughts.

is this a pipe dream? we’ll see. in the meantime, I’m looking forward to getting back…or at least trying to get there.

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i’m okay

the last few several months have a been an emotional roller coaster.  having to watch helplessly while your 6 year-old loses all of his hair is not easy.

when something happens to our children, whether it be a scraped knee, a runny nose or a bad dream, a mother’s instinct kicks into high gear.  we go to our child and do what we need to do to make things better.

it’s different with Alopecia.  i couldn’t do anything.  not one damn thing.  i was forced to just stand by and let it happen.

but i’m okay.  do you know why i’m okay?  because zander is okay.  he is an amazing, brave, strong boy, and he’s okay.  if it weren’t for him, i don’t know how i would be getting through my days.

don’t get me wrong.  i still cry when i see a picture of him with hair, and his beautiful foot-long eyelashes.  i still get a jolt sometimes when I see him first thing in the morning, expecting hair on his head.  i still get sad when i wonder how this will change his future.  i still get angry when some ignorant person gawks at him without regard for his feelings.

but i’m okay.  my boy is okay with it.  he’s going to school, playing with friends, being invited to birthday parties….he’s happy.

and that’s all that really matters…

Posted in family, the monkey called Zander, Uncategorized | Comments Off

my amazing little man

today Zander came over to me with his hands on top of his head. he pulled them down, and showed me his hands…which were full if his hair.

Me: what happened?
Z: my hair’s falling out.  (so matter-of-fact)

I should mention that he haven’t said anything to him about it yet, hoping he hasn’t noticed.

Me: when did you first notice your hair falling out?
Z: in the shower a few days ago.

He went over to show his dad the hair in his hands.

Z: maybe I have Alopecia.

then he turned to look at me….and smiled.  my eyes filled with tears.

a little later I was talking with him…

me: does it worry you that you might have Alopecia?
Z: no. wait….are Alopecians allowed to go to school?
me: of course, sweetheart!
Z: okay. I wish my hair didn’t have to fall out. I like my hair.
me: I know.
me:you’re beautiful with hair, and you’ll be beautiful without it.
Z: I know!

I’m a total wreck, and here’s my little half-bald boy showing me how to be brave.  what an amazing little man!

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what have i done?

it’s been a long time since i’ve written.  a very long time.  so much has changed.  but i will leave all of that for another post.

something has driven me to write again, and it’s not a good something.

my oldest son, Zander, is starting to lose his hair.  he’s six years old.

i noticed a couple of weeks ago that there were a few hairs on the pages of the book he was reading.  i brushed it to the back of my mind.  i noticed hair on his pillow.  probably just normal shedding.  i ran my fingers through his hair and ended up with a few hairs in my hand.  hmmm…that’s weird.  i noticed i could see his scalp without moving his hair, when his hair is normally so thick that you would need to completely part it to see any scalp. oh my God, what have i done?

my husband is trying to keep me calm, but how can i be.  i know what it’s like to lose your hair.  granted, i’ve experienced it as a woman, and i was 22 when it fell out.  it’s different for boys, but that doesn’t make it an easier.

he said “it’s only hair”, but what he doesn’t know is that for 2 years after i lost my hair every time anyone said that exact same comment, i would hide myself away in the nearest bathroom or bedroom and cry.  every time.

my husband also can’t understand how it feels to be the reason this is happening to our son.  i am solely to blame for this.  passing Alopecia on to your children in any form is rare, but it seems to have happened.  i’m a lightening rod for all things rare, and now my son will have to suffer for it.

i love my boys more than life itself.  i can deal with all of the crap i have…i don’t know if i can watch my son go through it.  especially knowing i did this.

Posted in confessions | 3 Comments

been gone

i haven’t posted to this blog since June of 2008.  just 3 months after moving into our new home.  why? i have some theories, but nothing concrete.

maybe it was because the layout of the new house allowed me to get much more done during the day while still being able to watch over the boys…which in turn ate up my blogging time.

or maybe i just never got back in the habit of blogging after taking time off to unpack and  put my new house together.

and then there’s the fact that i can be a lazy about things…..could be that.

it could be the sole fault of the quickly diminishing life of my laptop battery.

i’ve been dealing with a bunch of shit without wanting to talk about it….so i guess that doesn’t leave much to write about at times.

perhaps it was a combination of some or all of the above.  we may never know.

but what i do know is, as i became less involved in the blogging world, i became more involved in other things.  some good, some great….some a complete waste of time and energy.  i found some great friends and support here, and i regret that i let it/them slip away for seemingly no reason at all.

there is so much to get off my shoulders from the past couple of years.  not sure where i will start, but i am sure that i will be writing again.

Posted in blogging, confessions, psd | 2 Comments

mommies don’t have penises

bedtime for the boys started out pretty normal tonight. diapers changed, pajamas on, and teeth brushed, we went into Logan’s room to put him to bed first. as usual, Zander helped us sing “rock-a-bye Logan”, and then yelled “bounce!” as daddy plopped Logan in the crib. i said “sweet dreams, sleep well, see you in the morning!”, blew kisses from the doorway, and closed his door. then it was off to Zander’s room.

that’s when the bedtime routine too a sharp left.

i was giving Zander the usual hugs and kisses before putting him to bed when he looked me in the eye with a quizzical look

Zander: mommy…do you have a penis?

my jaw dropped to the floor. i looked towards Carlos to see his jaw was right down there with mine.

me: [stiffleing a giggle] no, i don’t have a penis. only boys have penises.

Zander: does daddy have a penis?

daddy: [grinning mischievously] yup…daddy has a big penis.

Zander: does mommy have a big penis?

me: no…mommies don’t have penises. only boys have a penis. you have a penis, Logan has a penis and daddy has a penis. but girls don’t have penises. they have vaginas.

Zander: [very serious about learning the truth] oh.

where that came from, i have no idea. what i can tell you is that i was so not expecting that.

seriously…where do they get this stuff?

Posted in funny ha ha, the monkey called Zander, welcome to the monkey house | 14 Comments

Haiku Friday: pms payback

note: i wrote this before i know there was theme for Haiku Friday this week. please forgive me, but i needed to vent about being a woman. i will be sure to follow the theme next time.

i was so lucky
no pms to speak of
never had a cramp

been told no mood swings
no bloating or discomfort
but it wouldn’t last

come back to bite me
with these head-splitting migraines
payback, you’re a BITCH!

is was so lucky, and i took it for granted. and oh, am i paying for it now!

i went through high school never having been bothered by my period…other than the inconvenience of the bulky pads available in the late 80′s. mind you, every once in a while i would feel a little nauseated on the first day, but that’s it. and this continued through my 20s and early 30s. okay…i can here you yelling nasty names at me….just get it out of your system now so i can proceed with my pity party story.

i’ve been told that i don’t have mood swings during that time of the month. hubby even asked me after we’d been living together for about a year if i would plot my cycles on the calendar so he would know when i was having it because he couldn’t tell…just so he would know when it was appropriate to try and put the moves on me.

when i was late in my pregnancy with Zander, i asked my doctor what contractions would feel like when they started. she told me they would feel like period cramps. i told her i’d never had any. by the look on her face, she thought i was lying. seriously people…never. one. cramp.

well, i’m now paying for all those carefree years. about 7 months ago i started getting migraines with my cycle. they start either the day before or on the first day of my period. they last anywhere from 2-4 days. and they are excruciating. i’m talking jam-something-sharp-through-my-eye-socket-and-into-my-brain-and-then-wiggle-it-around in-there kind of pain.

during these migraines, i can hardly take care of the boys, let alone myself. i never knew how noisy they were until each little sound felt like a cleaver cutting into my skull. or how much light the curtains in the living room still let through when they’re closed. or how many toys we have that make all types of seizure inducing noise. or how fucking bright this laptop monitor is!

this whole thing has forced me to not make plans anywhere near my expected monthly. unfortunately, my crystal ball isn’t always clear.

as some of you know, i am a big time paper-crafter and card-maker, and am a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator to make a little cash to support my hobby. in recent months, i have lost my passion. i’m trying to get it back, because when i’m doing it i am so happy. damn ppd.

anyhoo, a few months ago i signed up to attend a convention in Ottawa for Canadian demonstrators. i’ve been so excited about it…until last week when i realized it landed at the start of my cycle. the convention is tomorrow. sure enough, my period started yesterday…and so did my migraine. i’ve been trying to complete some cards for a swap i’m going to be participating in tomorrow, while my head is threatening to split in half and my eyeballs feel like they are liquifying.

this is the second day of my migraine, and i’m praying that i will wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. but i’m not holding out too much hope.

oh payback…you are a cold-hearted bitch!

Posted in Haiku Friday, me me me, pity party | 10 Comments

mr. contrary

did you ever read those mr. men and little miss books when you were younger? you know the ones…Little Miss Sunshine, Mr. Fussy, etc., written by British author Roger Hargreaves. i did. i loved them.

well, i have an idea for a book to add to the collection. i would name it “mr. contrary”, and it would be inspired by someone very close to my heart. ( i won’t name names…Zander!)

here’s how my story would go.

once upon a time there was a little boy named Zander mr. contrary. he always had to do the opposite of everyone else, say the opposite of everyone else, or just plain disagree with everyone for the sake of disagreeing.

one day, Zander mr. contrary was playing with his mommy. mommy asked “do you want to build a tower with lego blocks?”. Zander mr. contrary said “no, i don’t want to play with lego blocks!”, so his mommy said “okay.”. then Zander mr. contrary whined said “but i wanna build a tower with lego blocks!!!”. his mommy rolled her eyes said “great! lets start building!”.

after lunch when his mommy was putting Zander mr. contrary down for his nap, she said ” i love you!”. Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t want to love mommy”. but when she was leaving the room, he yelled “i love you too!” just as she was closing the door.

later that day, Zander mr. contrary was in the kitchen while his mommy and daddy were washing and chopping veggies for a salad for dinner. his mommy asked “do you want to stand on a chair and watch?”, but he said “no”. as his mommy and daddy went about their dinner-making business Zander mr. contrary started crying. his daddy ask “what’s wrong?”, and Zander mr. contrary whimpered “i want to stand on a chair and watch!”. so his mommy and daddy stiffled a laugh ran right over to get a chair for Zander mr. contrary to stand on.

at the dinner table, his daddy asked him “do you want some chicken?”, and Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t like chicken!”, so his daddy put the fork loaded with chicken back down on the plate. then Zander mr. contrary cried said “but i want some chicken!!!”. his daddy sighed in exasperation picked up the fork, said “okay…here comes some chicken!”, and fed him some chicken.

and this continued until Zander mr. contrary slowly drove his mommy and daddy insane.

the end.

okay, so it’s not totally appropriate for children…and i need to work on the ending a bit. but it’s only a first draft…i’m sure it will be a wonderfully endearing story by the time i’m done…if i haven’t lost all my marbles by then.

Posted in funny ha ha, the monkey called Zander | 9 Comments

Haiku Friday: the magic of corn

the magic of corn
such a strange phenomenon
such a small veggie

no matter how much
we chew chew chew when we eat
it reappears whole

sorry if that’s tmi, but seriously…whaddup with that???

the other day we had corn with our dinner. the next morning i was changing Logan’s diaper on the floor in the living room. as is more often than not, his diaper was loaded with danger full of poop. and there it was…the tell-tale sign of the previous night’s dinner…completely reassembled as if never ingested.

that’s when Zander walked up and asked if Logan had pooped. (yes…he wants to see his brother’s poop all the time, as well has his own…that’s a weird post for another day!) he stood there staring at it as if Logan had been hiding a green, three-headed alien in his diaper.

then he raised his head, his big, blue eyes wide with wonder, and asked “mommy…why does Logan have corn in his diaper?”.

what do you say? how do you explain to a three year old that, for some unknown reason, corn has the magical ability to make it past your chompers and through your entire digestive system with barely a scratch, and then mystically reassemble itself upon its exit? how?

i told him “when we eat food, it goes down to our tummy, and then comes out as poop. so there’s corn in Logan’s diaper because we ate it for dinner last night, and he pooped it out.”. he looked at me like i had finally lost it. kid…i lost it a long time ago…

so i thought about it…how do i explain this to him in terms that he will understand. EUREKA! Zander is addicted to a Canadian show called Mighty Machines. it’s a cute show with footage of trucks, boats, what-have-you that have annoying-as-hell cute little voices explaining what they do. his current favourite is the one about recycling with the crusher, the compactor, etc.

i put on my best straight face and said “well, when you eat food, it goes down your throat like a conveyor belt to your tummy. your tummy is like a compactor and smooshes all the food up, and then it comes out as poop.” (note that i decided to skip the whole intestinal tract/bowl thing…i mean, he’s three!)

his face brightened as he said “oh..ya!”.

so now if you ask him where poop comes from, he will happily tell you a colourful story full of machinery and gadgets.

unfortunately, he never got his answer as to why whole corn was in Logan’s diaper. as soon as i learn the secret behind the magic of corn, i’ll let him know.

Haiku Friday
Posted in funny ha ha, Haiku Friday, the monkey called Logan, the monkey called Zander | 23 Comments

Pink Eye waiting to happen

i swear, Logan is a wobbly-walking accident waiting to happen. sometimes hubby and i wonder how he survives the day. i know toddlers tend to have no fear…but he not only has not one teensy-tiny bit of fear, he laughs at fear…and common sense. he goes head first into everything…even if it’s a pile of pointy wooden blocks. doesn’t matter.

he takes the same no-fear, no-forethought attitude to every aspect of his day. whether it’s meal time, bath time or time for a diaper change. it’s the latter that we are currently battling.

lately, Logan has taken a liking to shoving both his hands down the back of his diaper. he’ll walk around the house like that. he’ll stand with his pudgy little hands crammed down his diaper while watching TV (not that my kids watch much TV at all…i swear!). he’ll sit on the floor and play with one hand while having the other hand stuck between his cheeks. and then he’ll rub his eyes. lovely.

the other day i was sitting on the couch talking to my mom on the phone while the boys were happily playing. Logan came up to me and started rubbing his hand on my pant leg. i look down to see his hand covered in poop. which meant that my pants were covered in poop. and his shirt. and his pants. and his back. and both hands. it was even in his belly button. (still trying to figure that one out since there wasn’t any poop anywhere else on his belly.) he had put his hands down the back of his diaper at a most unfortunate time, and made a party of it. again, oh-so-lovely.

then there’s the actual act of changing his diaper. if he’s pooped, you can guarantee that he will try to get his hands on it. and then, inevitably, he will stick his fingers in his eyes.

it’s like a compulsion. his hands must be dirty, covered in filth-muck before he can rub his eyes. it’s the same at dinner…he’ll wait till his hands are covered in bits of corn or pasta sauce before rubbing his eyes. but as much of a pain in the ass it is to decrust his eyes after each meal, what we’re really worried about is the dreaded Conjunctivitis.

Zander had Pink Eye when he was a baby, but we didn’t have to worry about another child. but now….it’s so contagious, and with both boys running around touching each other’s faces, Zander wiping tears from Logan’s face when he’s crying, etc., it would just be a matter of time before they both had it. i can see it now…my boys looking up at me with those gorgeous, big blue eyes….surrounded by whites that have turned an angry pink. joy.

i guess we just have to face facts. Logan is a ticking time bomb…for Pink Eye, among many, many other things. welcome to the monkey house.

Posted in the monkey called Logan, welcome to the monkey house | 2 Comments