what have i done?

it’s been a long time since i’ve written.  a very long time.  so much has changed.  but i will leave all of that for another post.

something has driven me to write again, and it’s not a good something.

my oldest son, Zander, is starting to lose his hair.  he’s six years old.

i noticed a couple of weeks ago that there were a few hairs on the pages of the book he was reading.  i brushed it to the back of my mind.  i noticed hair on his pillow.  probably just normal shedding.  i ran my fingers through his hair and ended up with a few hairs in my hand.  hmmm…that’s weird.  i noticed i could see his scalp without moving his hair, when his hair is normally so thick that you would need to completely part it to see any scalp. oh my God, what have i done?

my husband is trying to keep me calm, but how can i be.  i know what it’s like to lose your hair.  granted, i’ve experienced it as a woman, and i was 22 when it fell out.  it’s different for boys, but that doesn’t make it an easier.

he said “it’s only hair”, but what he doesn’t know is that for 2 years after i lost my hair every time anyone said that exact same comment, i would hide myself away in the nearest bathroom or bedroom and cry.  every time.

my husband also can’t understand how it feels to be the reason this is happening to our son.  i am solely to blame for this.  passing Alopecia on to your children in any form is rare, but it seems to have happened.  i’m a lightening rod for all things rare, and now my son will have to suffer for it.

i love my boys more than life itself.  i can deal with all of the crap i have…i don’t know if i can watch my son go through it.  especially knowing i did this.

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3 Responses to what have i done?

  1. Sarah says:

    Hey Cate!! I was excited to see you pop up in my inbox. I feel for you that your son is losing his hair already. Maybe it won’t be as bad because he is a boy and boys often shave their head by choice…I dunno.

    • cate says:

      Hey! It’s been a long time! If Zander does have Alopecia like me (and I hope to help not!), I have no doubt he will handle it like the little trooper he is. I, on the other hand, won’t fair so well. :(

  2. Lainey-Paney says:

    I’m so sorry.
    It is emotional.